MALIGNANT
SELF LOVE
NARCISSISM REVISITED
The
World of the Narcissist (Essay)
(Fifth,
Revised Impression, 2003)
Narcissism,
Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the
Narcissist,
and Relationships with Abusive
Narcissists and Psychopaths
By:
Dr. Sam Vaknin
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CHAPTER
THREE:
THE
WORKINGS OF A NARCISSIST
A PHENOMENOLOGY
We all face a choice: we can become horizontal
expanders or vertical climbers.
We can either select a profession, a
vocation, an avocation, a geographic region, a spouse, a lifestyle, stick to
them and climb up the proverbial ladder. This calls for incessant studies,
specialisation, focused energy, in depth involvement. Such people are the
achiever (A) types.
The alternative is to frequently change
professions, travel, accumulate experiences, memories, and encounters with
people and with landscapes. In short, to learn a little about
a lot. The price to pay: lack of socially recognised accomplishments.
Most narcissists belong to the second type in
most fields of their life. They often maintain one island of stability (for
instance, their marriage or career) – but other realms of their life are highly
unstable. To invest hard work and study in depth and laboriously is to admit
that one is deficient, less than omniscient and omnipotent. Narcissists don't
admit to difficulties, challenges, ignorance, or shortcomings.
Narcissists cannot delay gratification. They
are creatures of the here and now, because they feel boundlessly entitled. When
forced to specialise or persist, they feel stagnation and "death". It
is not a matter of choice but a structural constraint. This is the way a
narcissist is built, this is his modus operandi, and his vacillating style of
life and dizzying array of activities are written into his operations manual.
As a direct result, the narcissist cannot
form a stable marital relationship, or reasonably devote himself to his family,
or maintain an on going business, or reside in one
place for long, or dedicate himself to a single profession or to one career, or
complete his academic studies, or accumulate material wealth.
Narcissists are often described as indolent,
labile, unstable, unreliable,
unable and unwilling to undertake long-term commitments and obligations, or to
maintain a job, or a career path. The narcissist's life is characterised by
jerky, episodic careers, relationships, marriages, and domiciles. He is
volatile, erratic, flexible, and ephemeral.
Hitherto we have touched upon the less malignant
dimensions. There is worse to come.
The narcissist is possessed of a low
self-esteem. In public, the narcissist presents himself as the quintessential
winner. But deep inside, he judges himself to be a good-for-nothing loser, a permanent,
irreversible failure. He hates himself for being so, and he constantly envies
everyone around him for various reasons.
His discontent is often transformed into depression. Unable to love
himself, the narcissist is unable
to love another. He regards and treats people as though they were objects: exploits and discards them. He mistreats
people around him by asserting his superiority at all times, by being
emotionally cold or absent, by constantly bickering, verbally humiliating,
incessantly (mostly unjustly) criticising, and by actively rejecting or
ignoring them, thus provoking uncertainty.
The narcissist's interpersonal relationships
are deformed and sick. The longer the relationship, the more it is tinted by the pathological hue of narcissism. In his
marriage, the narcissist recreates the conflicts with his Primary Objects
(parents or caregivers). He is immature in every walk of life, sex included. He tends to select
the wrong partners or spouse.
He does everything to bring about his greatest horror: abandonment. Even his
staunchest supporters and lovers ultimately leave him.
In the wake of such abandonment, the
narcissist experiences the horrifying and complete breakdown of his defences.
He feels lonely, but his loneliness is of the existential, almost solipsist
type. The whole world seems unreal
to him, possessed of a nightmarish quality. He either feels
disproportionately guilty and assumes all the burden of blame,
allocating none to his partner – or blames her for everything, denying any
personal responsibility.
These moments may be the only occasions in
which the narcissist is in touch with his emotions – an experience he has been
trying to avoid all his life and at all costs to his mental health. Learning
the truth about his emotional infirmity, the narcissist often entertains suicidal ideation. He cannot
countenance deforming his body, so he is inclined to use sleeping pills.
But, soon enough, the narcissist recovers and
escapes into a new psychosexual liaison. Another toy, another object of
gratification enters his world. His emotional wounds are shallow and they heal
fast. Only his Ego is scarred, a memory repressed by the
narcissist.
Because he is detached from his self, the
narcissist tends to ignore his
body altogether – or to idolise and idealise it. The cerebral narcissist
may indulge in smoking, abuse
drugs, consume unhealthy foods, and lead a sedentary life. Though ill at
health, he treats himself only when and if it is absolutely inevitable.
The somatic narcissist worships his body,
cultivating it like a rare flower, feeding it a special diet, refraining from
any hint of bodily malpractice. Such a narcissist wastes hours inspecting
himself in mirrors and applying a myriad of lotions, creams and medicines to
his precious temple. He is also likely to be a hypochondriac.
The narcissist always prefers his image to
his self. He goes a long way towards inventing himself, lying if needed, believing
his own lies where expedient. To maintain this spectre, the narcissist resorts
to chronic, pathological, misrepresentations and non-truths ("pseudologica fantastica
").
The narcissist tries to compulsively replicate
this invented image by becomeing famous, a celebrity. Like his other obsessive-compulsive acts, it does not
make the narcissist happier by any lasting measure,
neither does it alleviate his anxiety. When faced with the choice, the
narcissist always prefers his invented self to his true one. For
instance, he draws attention to figments of his imagined biography and not at
who he really is.
The
narcissist engages in a host of self-defeating and reckless behaviours. He might, for
instance, gamble or shop compulsively and lose all his possessions, time and
again. Ironically, this lands him in economic uncertainty – which is what he
dreads and loathes most.
These behaviours – pathological
gambling, compulsive shopping, reckless driving –
result in great personal and financial instability. Such a narcissist seems
always to be in debts and harried, no matter how much money he makes. This,
sometimes, is compounded by frequent changes of profession and by the lack of a
stable career. Some narcissists, though, are at the top of their profession and
earn the money, which goes with such a professional status.
(continued
below)
This article appears in my
book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"
Click HERE to buy the print edition from Amazon (click HERE to buy a copy dedicated by the
author)
Click HERE to buy the print edition from Barnes and Noble
Click HERE to buy the print edition from the publisher and receive
a BONUS
PACK
Click HERE to buy electronic books
(e-books) and video lectures (DVDs) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in
relationships
Click HERE to buy the ENTIRE SERIES of sixteen electronic
books (e-books) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in
relationships
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Money is not
the narcissist's only compulsion. Many narcissists are inordinately orderly and
clean, or they may be addicted to knowledge, or obsessed with time. Some suffer from compulsive ticks and more complex repetitive,
ritualistic movements. They might even become criminally compulsive,
kleptomaniacs, for instance.
Narcissists
are very misleading. They are possessed of
undeniable personal charm and, usually, of sparkling intellect. Other people
tend to associate these traits with maturity, authority and responsibility.
Yet, as far as narcissists go, this association is a grave mistake.
The Dorian Grays of this world are
eternal children (puer aeternus, Peter Pans), immature, puerile even, irresponsible, morally inconsistent (and
in certain areas of life, morally non-existent). Narcissists actively encourage
people to form expectations – only to disappoint and frustrate them later. They
lack many adult skills and tend to rely on people around them to make up for these
deficiencies.
That people
will obey him, cater to his needs, and comply with his wishes is taken for
granted by the narcissist, as a birth right. At times the narcissist socially
isolates himself, exuding an air of superiority, expressing disdain, or a
patronising attitude. At times he verbally lashes his nearest and dearest. Yet
the narcissist expects total allegiance, loyalty, and submissiveness in all
circumstances.
Abuse has
many forms apart from the familiar ones sexual, verbal, emotional,
psychological, and physical (battering and assault). Some narcissists are the
outcomes of insufficient or erratic love – others the sad consequences of too
much love.
Forcing a
child into of adult pursuits is one of the subtlest varieties of soul murder.
Very often we find that the narcissist was deprived of his childhood. He may
have been a Wunderkind, the answer to his mother's prayers and the salve to her
frustrations. A human computing machine, a walking-talking encyclopaedia, a
curiosity, a circus freak – he may have been observed by developmental
psychologists, interviewed by the media, endured the envy of his peers and
their pushy mothers.
Consequently,
such narcissists constantly clash with figures of authority because they feel
entitled to special treatment, immune to prosecution, with a mission in
life, destined for greatness, and, therefore, inherently superior.
The
narcissist refuses to grow up. In his mind, his tender age formed an integral
part of the precocious miracle that he once was. One looks much less phenomenal
and one's exploits and achievements are much less awe-inspiring at the age of
40 – than at the age of 4. Better stay young forever and thus secure one's Narcissistic Supply.
So, the
narcissist refuses to grow up. He never takes out a driver's licence. He does
not have children. He rarely has sex. He never settle-down in one place. He
rejects intimacy. In short, he refrains from adulthood and adult chores. He has
no adult skills. He assumes no adult responsibilities. He expects indulgence
from others. He is petulant and haughtily spoiled. He is capricious, infantile
and emotionally labile and immature. The narcissist is frequently a 40
years-old brat.
Narcissists
suffer from repetition complexes. Like certain mythological figures, they are
doomed to repeat their mistakes and failures, and the wrong behaviours which
led to them. They refrain from planning and conceive of the world as a
menacing, unpredictable, failure-prone, and hostile place, or, at best, a
nuisance.
This
culminates in self-destruction. Narcissists engage in conscious – and unconscious
– acts of violence and aggression aimed at restricting their choices, gains,
and potentials. Some of them end up as criminals. Their criminality usually
satisfies two conditions:
- It is Ego enhancing. The act(s)
are – or must be perceived as – sophisticated, entailing the use of
special traits or skills, incredible, memorable, unique.
The narcissist is very likely to be involved in "white collar crime". He
harnesses his leadership charisma, personal charm, and natural
intelligence to do the "job".
- The
criminal act includes a mutinous and contumacious element. The narcissist,
after all, is mostly recreating the relationship that he has had with his
parents. He rejects authority the way an adolescent does. He regards any
kind of intrusion on his privacy and his autonomy – however justified and
called for – as a direct and total threat to his psychic integrity. He
tends to interpret the most mundane and innocuous gestures, sentences,
exclamations, or offers – as such threats. The narcissist is paranoiac
when it comes to a breach of his splendid isolation. He reacts with
disproportionate aggression and is thought of by his environment to be a dangerous
type or, at the very least, odd and eccentric.
Any offer of
help is immediately interpreted by the narcissist to imply that he is not
omnipotent and omniscient. The narcissist reacts with rage to such impudent
allegations and, thus, rarely asks for succour, unless he finds himself in a
critical condition.
A narcissist
can roam the streets for hours, looking for an address, before conceding his
inferiority by asking a passer-by for guidance. He suffers physical pain,
hunger and fear, rather than ask for help. The mere ability to help is
considered proof of superiority and the mere need for help – a despicable state
of inferiority and weakness.
This is
precisely why narcissists appear, at times, to be outstanding altruists. They enjoy the sense of power
which goes with giving. They feel superior when they are needed. They encourage
dependence of any kind. They know – sometimes, intuitively – that help is the
most addictive drug and that relying on someone dependable fast becomes an
indispensable habit.
Their exhibitionistic and
"saintly" altruism disguises their thirst for admiration and
accolades, and their propensity to play God. They pretend that they are
interested only in the well-being of the happy recipients of their
unconditional giving. But this kind of representation is patently untrue and
misleading. No other kind of giving comes with more strings attached. The
narcissist gives only if and when he receives adulation and attention.
If not applauded or adulated by the
beneficiaries of his largesse, the narcissist loses interest, or deceives
himself into believing that he is, in fact, revered. Mostly, the narcissist
prefers to be feared or admired rather than loved. He describes himself as a "strong,
no nonsense" man, who is able to successfully weather extraordinary losses
and exceptional defeats and to recuperate. He expects other people to respect
this image that he projects.
Thus, the beneficiaries are objects,
silent witnesses to the narcissist's grandiosity and magnanimity, the audience
in his one-man show. He is inhuman in that he needs no one and nothing – and he
is superhuman in that he showers and shares the cornucopia of his wealth or
talents abundantly and unconditionally. Even the narcissist's charity reflects
his sickness.
Even so, the narcissist is more
likely to donate what he considers to be the greatest gift of all – himself,
his time, his presence. Where other altruists
contribute money – he avails of his time and of his knowledge. He needs to be
in personal touch with those aided by him, so as to be immediately rewarded
(narcissistically) for his efforts.
When the
narcissist volunteers he is at his best. He is often cherished as a pillar of
civic behaviour and a contributor to community life. Thus, he is able to act,
win applause, and reap Narcissistic Supply – and all with full legitimacy.
CHAPTER FOUR:
THE TORTURED SELF
THE
INNER WORLD OF THE
NARCISSIST
We dealt until now only with appearances. The narcissist's
behaviour is indicative of a severe pathology which lies at the heart of his
psyche and which deforms almost all his mental processes. A permanent
dysfunction permeates and pervades all the strata of his mind and all his
interactions with others and with himself.
What makes a narcissist tick? What is
his hidden psychodynamic landscape like?
It is a terrain guarded zealously by
defence mechanisms as old as the narcissist himself. More than to others,
entrance to this territory is barred to the narcissist himself. Yet, to heal,
however marginally, he needs this access most.
Narcissists are bred by other
narcissists. To treat others as objects, one must first be treated as such. To
become a narcissist, one must feel that one is nothing but an instrument used
to satisfy the needs of a meaningful (maybe the most meaningful) figure in his
life. One must feel that the only source of reliable, unconditional, total love
is himself. One must, thus, lose faith in the existence
or in the availability of other sources of emotional gratification.
This is a sorry state to which the
narcissist is driven by long years of denial of his separate existence and his
boundaries, by a volatile, or arbitrary milieu, and by constant emotional
self-reliance. The narcissist – not daring to face the
imperfection of the frustrating figure (usually, his mother), not able to direct his aggression
at it – resorts to destroying himself.
The
narcissist thus catches two birds with one stone of self-directed aggression:
he vindicates the meaningful figure and her negative judgement of himself and
he relieves his anxiety. Narcissistic parents tend to perniciously
mould their offspring in the formative years of early infanthood, well into the
sixth year of age.
An
adolescent, while still applying the finishing touches to his or to her
personality, is already out of harm's way. The 10 year olds are more
susceptible to narcissistic pathology, but not in the subtle irreversible
manner which is the precondition for the formation of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The
seed of pathological narcissism is planted earlier than that.
It often happens that children are
exposed to only one narcissistic parent. If you are the other parent, you would
do well to simply be yourself. Do not directly confront or
counteract the narcissistic parent. This will transform him or her into a
martyr or a role model (especially to rebellious teenagers). Simply show them
that there is another way. They will make the right choice. All people do –
except narcissists.
Narcissists
are born to narcissistic, depressive, obsessive-compulsive, alcoholic, drug
addicted, hypochondriac, passive-aggressive and, in general, mentally disturbed
parents. Alternatively, they may be born into chaotic circumstances. Delinquent
parents are not the exclusive vehicle of deprivation. War, disease, famine, a
particularly nasty divorce, or sadistic peers and role models (teachers, for
instance) can do the job as efficiently.
It is not the
quantity of deprivation but its quality that breeds narcissism. The most
important questions are: is the child accepted and loved as he is,
unconditionally? Is his treatment consistent, predictable and just? Capricious
behaviour and arbitrary judgement, contradicting directives, or emotional
absence are the elements which constitute the narcissist's menacing,
whimsically unexpected, dangerously cruel world.
In such a
world, emotions are negatively rewarded. The
development of emotions requires long-term, repeated, and safe interactions.
Such interactions call for stability, predictability and a lot of goodwill.
When these prerequisites are absent, the child prefers to escape into a world
of his own making to minimise the hurt. Such a world combines an
"analytical ratio" coupled with repressed emotions.
This
invented, highly elaborate, universe is not devoid of emotions. Quite the
contrary: it is infused with them, they colour every act, however automatic and
basic. But they are tagged differently. The narcissist does not lose his
ability to feel – he loses his ability to realise that he is feeling and to
recognise his feelings as such. In other words: he is out of touch with his
emotions. At best, the narcissist experiences a "binary", shallow,
emotional state: (generally) good – as opposed to (generally) bad, or relative calm contrasted with unease.
(continued below)
This article appears in my book
"Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"
Click HERE to buy the print edition from Amazon (click HERE to buy a copy dedicated by the
author)
Click HERE to buy the print edition from Barnes and Noble
Click HERE to buy the print edition from the publisher and receive
a BONUS
PACK
Click HERE to buy electronic books
(e-books) and video lectures (DVDs) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in
relationships
Click HERE to buy the ENTIRE SERIES of sixteen electronic
books (e-books) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in
relationships
Click HERE for SPECIAL OFFER 1 and HERE for SPECIAL OFFER 2
Follow me on Twitter, Facebook (my personal page or the book’s), YouTube
The
narcissist objectifies himself as well. He invests an enormous amount of
psychic energy in this conversion process and – to avoid a destructive
dissonance – he feels proud of his achievements. He brags about his
"razor-like, totally unbiased, absolutely objective" judgement, which
is expressly unaffected by emotions. He might nickname himself "the brain",
or "the machine", and call himself a
"wondrous instrument". It is as though his analytic skills acquire a
life of their own and shield him from his labile emotions.
The narcissist, out of touch with his
emotions, finds it impossible to communicate them. He disavows their very
existence and the existence or prevalence or incidence of emotions in others.
He finds the task of emoting so daunting, that he repudiates his feelings and
their content and denies that he is capable of feeling at all.
When forced to communicate his
emotions – usually by some kind of threat to his image or to his imaginary
world, or by a looming abandonment – the narcissist uses an alienating and
alienated, "objective" language. He makes profligate use of this
emotionless speech also in therapy sessions, where direct contact is made with
his feelings.
The narcissist does everything not to
express directly and in plain language what he feels. He generalises, compares,
analyses, justifies, uses objective or objective-looking data, theorises,
intellectualises, rationalises, hypothesises – anything but acknowledge his
emotions.
Even when genuinely attempting to
convey his feelings, the narcissist, who is normally verbally adept, sounds
mechanic, hollow, disingenuous, or as though he is referring to someone else.
This "observer stance" is favoured by narcissists. In an attempt to
help the inquirer (the therapist, for instance) they assume a detached,
"scientific" poise and talk about themselves in the third person.
Some of them even go to the extent of
getting acquainted with psychological jargon to sound more convincing (though a
few actually go to the trouble of studying psychology in-depth). Another
narcissistic ploy is to pretend to be a "tourist" in one's own
internal landscape: politely and mildly interested in the geography and history
of the place, sometimes amazed, at times amused – but always uninvolved.
All this makes it difficult to
penetrate the impregnable: the narcissist's inner world.
The narcissist himself has limited
access to it. Humans rely on communication to get to know each other and they empathise through comparison.
Communication absent or lacking, we cannot truly feel the "humanness"
of the narcissist.
The narcissist is, thus, often
described by others as "robotic", "machine-like",
"inhuman", "emotionless", "android",
"vampire", "alien", "automatic",
"artificial", and so on. People are deterred by the narcissist's
emotional absence. They are wary of him and keep their guard up at all times.
Certain narcissists are good at
simulating emotions and can easily mislead people around them. Yet, their true
colours are exposed when they lose interest in someone because he no longer serves
a narcissistic (or other) purpose. Then they no longer invest energy in what,
to others, comes naturally: emotional communication.
This is the essence of the
narcissist's exploitativeness. To a certain degree, we all exploit each other.
But, the narcissist abuses people. He misleads them into believing that they
mean something to him, that they are special and dear to him, and that he cares
about them. When they discover that it was all a sham and a charade, they are
devastated.
The narcissist's problem is
exacerbated by being constantly abandoned. It is a vicious cycle: the
narcissist alienates people and they leave him. This, in turn, convinces him
that he was always right in thinking that people are selfish and always prefer
their self-interest to his welfare. His antisocial and asocial behaviours are,
thus, amplified, leading to yet more serious emotional ruptures with his
closest, nearest, and dearest.
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