Mirror mirror ... (Toronto Sun)
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You haven't even had your morning coffee and he's at it again -- building himself up and tearing you down, exaggerating his accomplishments and diminishing yours. He's an arrogant s.o.b. with an insatiable appetite for attention, admiration, affirmation and applause; his domineering demands, egotistical pursuit of self-gratification and malicious, rage-filled rants are making your life a living hell.
Welcome to his vile web of narcissistic indulgence and inflated grandiosity ... and he's not alone.
"It is my contention that narcissism is the mental epidemic of the 20th century," says Dr. Sam Vaknin, a self-admitted pathological narcissist who has authored a detailed, first-hand account entitled Malignant Self Love -- Narcissism Revisited.
"Pathological narcissism is now considered to be at the heart of phenomena as diverse as corporate malfeasance, workplace bullying, domestic violence and serial killings," says Vaknin, who has been studying narcissism for several years, mostly in corporate settings and dysfunctional/abusive relationships.
According to Vaknin, "Narcissism is named after the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus who was a handsome Greek youth who rejected the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. In punishment of his cruelty, he was doomed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his love, he pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name to this very day."
Narcissists are infatuated and obsessed with themselves to the exclusion of all others. "It is characterized by a lack of empathy, grandiose fantasies, an overpowering sense of entitlement -- disproportionate with the narcissist's accomplishments or skills -- as well as arrogance, pernicious envy and exploitativeness," says Vaknin, adding that 75% of all narcissists are men. "A narcissist is a drug addict whose drug is attention."
Toronto therapist Betty Stockley says that in the past two weeks she has actually come across three cases involving narcissism -- mostly victims of a self-consumed, scornful boss or partner.
'SELF IMPORTANCE'
"Narcissists have feelings of grand self importance and want others on their knees in gratitude. They tell people, 'you're lucky to date me or work for me,' and they're very convincing," says Stockley, adding that generally narcissists seek treatment only if they have something to lose.
"Narcissism is more common than most people realize, and if it happens to you, you'd best be prepared," says Dr. Rick Kirschner. "The effects of living with or working with a narcissist are legion. Perhaps this is because of the many ways a narcissist can behave badly. All in all, living with or working with a narcissist can cause great stress, misery and aggravation."
According to Kirschner, "Some degree of self-interest is necessary to survive. And true accomplishment is deserving of acknowledgement and praise. But when a person sees themself as the centre of everyone else's universe, then Houston, you've got a problem."
Most narcissists disregard social norms, morals and laws and often feel invincible, immune and above-the-law, says Vaknin, whose malignant self-absorption landed him a one-year jail sentence for stock manipulation. "My nine-year-old marriage dissolved, my finances were in a shocking condition, my family estranged, my reputation ruined, my personal freedom severely curtailed.
"Slowly, the realization that it was all my fault, that I was sick and needed help penetrated the decades-old defences I had erected around me. So, the book is also a documentation of a road of self-discovery, a kind of do-it-yourself personal autopsy," says Vaknin. "It was a painful process, which led to nowhere. I am no different -- and no healthier -- today than I was when I wrote this book. My disorder is here to stay; the prognosis is poor and alarming."
According to Stockley, the disorder is frequently related to attachment issues in childhood where there was no true connection made, usually with the parents.
Vaknin agrees: "Every human being develops healthy narcissism early in life. Healthy narcissism is rendered pathological by abuse -- and abuse, alas, is a common human behaviour. By abuse, I mean any form of refusal to acknowledge the emerging boundaries of the individual. Thus, smothering, doting, and excessive expectations are as abusive as beating and incest."
According to Vaknin, there are two differences between healthy self-love and narcissistic personality disorder "in the ability to tell reality from fantasy, and in the ability to empathize and, indeed, to fully and maturely love others."
He says that "maintaining a distinction between what we really are and what we dream of becoming, knowing our limits, our advantages and faults and having true, realistic accomplishments in our life are of paramount importance in the establishment and maintenance of our self-esteem, sense of self-worth and self-confidence."
Meanwhile, Vaknin, who is certified in psychological counselling techniques, says that when it comes to dealing with narcissists, there is only one remedy: "Utterly ignore them. Narcissists can't stand being ignored and they go away ... A relationship with a narcissist invariably ends in abuse and tears.
"Narcissists treat other people as objects, mere instruments of gratification, to be used, abused, and unceremoniously discarded. The victims of narcissists are traumatized and scarred for life," he says, adding that this destructive disease forever changes those around him.
SUBMISSIVE PARTNER
Narcissists are never whole without an adoring, submissive, self-denigrating partner. "The victim's gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism are the weapons of the narcissist," says Vaknin.
Kirschner adds that adult pathological narcissists rarely get better. "So if you're suffering and miserable because of someone's narcissism, you would be well advised to cut your losses and vote with your feet," says Kirschner, of TheArtofChange.com.
For more info on narcissism, see Vaknin's work and Web site at Narcissistic-abuse.com.
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NARCISSUS
According to writer Bob Goodman, in Greek mythology, the gods cast a pernicious spell on Narcissus as punishment for his refusal to love others. Peering into a pool of water, Narcissus sees a beautiful being and falls madly in love, never realizing that the object of his affection is nothing more than his own reflection. His love unrequited, Narcissus pines away and perishes, leaving only a flower in his wake.
"From this myth comes the term 'narcissism.' The psychological condition of narcissism in extremis, known as 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder,' was first given medical credence by the American Psychiatric Association in 1980. Those under the spell of NPD share a penchant for compulsive self-promotion, doomed grandiosity, and aggressive avoidance of empathy."
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HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST
Think you might be caught up in a grand illusion? Is your haughty honey or overbearing boss in constant need of a fan club?
Check to see how many of these points apply:
- Grandiose statements and frequent, unwarranted boasting and lying.
- Feelings of unbounded entitlement and haughty superiority.
- A consistent and energy-draining pattern of exploitation.
- Blames every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large.
- Hypersensitive and hyper-vigilant -- picks fights, feels constantly slighted, injured and insulted.
- Cruel, lacks compassion.
- A history of battering or violent offences or behaviour coupled with serial jobs and relationships.
- Possessive, control freak, and excessive, explosive jealousy.
- Lacks respect for your personal boundaries, wishes and privacy.
- Rapid cycling -- between moods, between idealizing and devaluing you, between preferences and beliefs, etc.
If you have answered "yes" to any of the above -- stay away, warns Dr. Sam Vaknin. Your guy could be a narcissistic abuser.